Wednesday, July 07, 2004


Sex Image Sex story

Celestial Reviews 343 � October 24, 1999

Note: A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar.
The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?" The man
says "I'll have a beer"; the ostrich says "I'll have a beer"; and the cat says
"I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that
will be $3.87" The man reaches into his pocket, brings out the exact change,
and pays him.

About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you
guys have?" The man says "I'll have a beer"; the ostrich says "I'll have a
beer"; and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The
bartender gets them their beer and says, "That'll be $3.87." The man reaches
into his pocket, brings out the exact change, and pays him.

A couple of days later they come back into the bar, and the bartender walks
over and asks. "What do you guys want today?" The man says "I'll have a
scotch"; the ostrich says "I'll have a bourbon"; and the cat says "I'll have
half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be
$7.53." The man reaches into his pocket, brings out the exact change, and pays

The bartender's curiosity got the best of him, and so he asks, "Why is it that
every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in
you pocket?" The man says, "I found a bottle with a genie in it, and she
granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I would always have the exact
change in my pocket for anything I buy." The bartender says that's a great
wish ... better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run
out but your wish never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

The man says, "That's where I screwed up... I asked for a chick with long legs
and a tight pussy."

Second note: Two construction workers are working the high beams. One is on the
third floor, the other on the first. The guy on the third floor needs a
handsaw, but with all the noise from the construction the guy on the first
can't hear him. He yells and yells, but the guy on the first floor can't hear

So the guy on the third floor decides to use hand signals. He points to his eye
for "I"; then he points to his knee for "need"; and finally he moves his hands
back and forth for "handsaw."

The guy on the first floor drops his pants and starts masturbating.

The guy on the third floor gets mad and runs down to the first floor and says,
"What the hell are you doing! All I wanted was a handsaw!"

The guy on the first floor says, "Yeah, I just wanted to tell you I was

Celestial Reviews Index:

"Date Bait " by Timothy Reisling Betticut (forced feminization) 9, 8, 4

"Shroedinger's Pussy" by jcx (astrosex) 10, 10, 10

"The Journal by d137 (growth to sluttiness) 9, 7, 6

"I'm Not a Little Girl Anymore!" by Admiral Cartwright (preteen sex with
daddy) 9, 10, 9

"My Great Uncle" by Unknown Author (preteen sex) 9, 8, 5

"Backstage Pass" by Ann Douglas (sex with an older movie star) 9, 7, 7

"Yellow Fever" by Richard Rivers (quest for exotic sex) 10, 10, 10

"Shear Luck" by Motionman (college student romance) 10, 10, 10

"Minal in Winter" by Mary Anne Mohanraj (coming of age) 10, 10, 10

Guest Reviews:

"Locker Room Fictions" by Jimmy Hat (investigative fucking)
Homer: 10, 9, 7

"Street Smart" by Captain Steve and Linda (becoming a slut). Myers:

"Study Habits" by Stranger4U (college sex). Mary: 9.5, 9, 10

Reposted Reviews:

"Pansy Pond" by (forced feminization & bdsm) 9.5, 9, 9

Here are the Reviews:

"Date Bait " by Timothy Reisling Betticut (SEH

I have reviewed only one other story by this author. That was "Pansy Pond," and
it received high ratings. This one was kind of weird.

Tiffany has blackmailed Tim into dressing in drag and suffering all kinds of
humiliation. Timmie looks pretty hot in his/her paraphernalia, which is a very
difficult word to spell. So Timmie is actually "a 28yearold executive trapped
in the body of a 24yearold nymphette." How we get these precise
determinations is something I don't understand. But then there are a lot of
things I don't understand about this story.

Even though the story seems to be clearly written, I had trouble figuring out
what was going on. Maybe it was a motivational problem on my part. If you are
one of that elite group of people who likes stories about forced feminization,
maybe you'll find this to be your cup of tea. I did not find this to be an
interesting or sexy story.

Either "Pansy Pond" (review reposted below) was a much better story, or I am
experiencing wild mood swings.

Ratings for "Date Bait"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4

"Shroedinger's Pussy" by jcx (jcx100).

Labeling this story (MF, cons) tells a potential reader almost nothing about
it. My label of (astrosex) is much more informative. Also, it's comforting to
know that no cats were hurt in the preparation of this story.

Suzy is an overachiever � an astronaut specializing in fecundity in space. That
is, she wants to be the first to conceive a child in space. As the author puts
it, "She studied seduction and human relationships with the same applied
intensity that she brought to all her activities. Dave was not only caught
hook, line and sinker, but it would have been impossible to say that they were
not a happy, brilliant, charming and wellbalanced couple, so well did she
carry out her 'mission'."

It's kind of like highbrow "Barbarella" � or lowbrow, depending on how fond
you are of that fine movie.

Suzy and Dave use a Virtuality system that enables the specialist on earth to
monitor and replicate their experience.

This story changed my life in a minor way. Until I read this story, I had never
shouted "Je viens" near the end of a sexual escapade. You oughta try it
sometime. My husband was great. He replied, "Enchante, I'm sure." With an
accent over the final e! You gotta love a man like that!

Incidentally, Shroedinger is not Suzy's last name. {Her last name is
Heisenberg, I think.} The title is a pun on "Shroedinger's Cat," which is a
classical problem in Uncertainty Theory. Or, as a Cartesian Frenchman once put
it, say, "Coito, ergo suk." Ooops, that was a Cartesian Freshman.

Ratings for "Shroedinger's Pussy"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"The Journal "by d137(d137mydeja).

This story has some really hot parts in it, but it's generally an old idea with
not much in the way of new angles to spice it up.

The basic plot is that a woman finds that her sex life has been kind of boring;
and so she starts to keep a journal. While she does her journal, her sex life
brightens up. She turns into a veritable slut � a sex slave to another man �
and her husband loves to listen to the naughty things the other guys do to her.

A lot of stories presume that a woman will do immediately with a stranger
things that she would never do with her husband or regular lover � and that her
life will be enriched by the experience. I think there's a kernel of truth in
that idea, but the idea needs to be developed properly. The excessively easy
slide into beatific sex slavery that we see in this and in many other stories
is just too simplistic.

The main thing that caught my attention here was the part where the people
alternate between oral and anal sex. Don't do that. You'll get a nasty

There really ARE some hot passages in this story. I also like the journal
format. But overall, I had trouble buying into the premise of the story.

Ratings for "The Journal"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6

"I'm Not a Little Girl Anymore!" by Admiral Cartwright

Here we have one of those stories about "preteen sex." I'll refrain from giving
my lecture on the lack of wisdom in taking childhood away from children by
pushing them into sexual activities that they should reserve for their more
mature lives. My lecture says something like, "For God's sake, let kids be
kids." But I won't go into that.

Our Little Narrator is writing this story when she has just turned twelve and
has for the first time been treated like a "big girl" by her loving daddy. That
means they had full penetration sex together for the first time. She had her
first orgasm with Daddy when she was six. Now she and daddy can have fun all
the time.

If I approach this story as HUMOR, it's actually pretty good. Under the
circumstances the kid describes here, sex could be pretty funny, and nobody
would be hurt. The style of having Dad interject his comments as a sort of
proofreader is also effective.

The narrator points out that "�laws are made to protect people who can't do it
{protect themselves from sexual predators} themselves and there are grownups
who like to hurt children and they need to go to prison. But the law says ANY
adults and kids so they could come after my Dad too. They still could, I guess.
That's like TOTALLY not fair!" Taking as the wisdom of a sexually satisfied
child who is the heroine of a silly story, this is a comical insight. Taking as
actual advice on how to run a society, of course, it would border on the

This story uses a format that includes deliberate grammatical mistakes and
misuse of words, in order to give the impression of being written by a young
person. I've tried to take that into consideration in the Athena rating.

Ratings for "I'm Not a Little Girl Anymore!"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"My Great Uncle" by Unknown Author {posted as "Great Uncle Dave" by Stephen
Peters < sxjamesaolaxyz >}

This story tries to do what the previous story tried to do, but it is not as

From one perspective, this story can be viewed as the ways in which a
dysfunctional, dirty old man who "likes little girls" has his way with his
"niece." From that perspective, the story is sort of disgusting.

From another perspective, this story can be viewed as the ways in which a
tenyearold girl perceived and enjoyed the sexy things her "uncle" did to her.
She sees the older man as treating her with great love and respect and bringing
joy into their lives through sexual contact. This is a reasonable and normal
way that a tenyearold could view this activity, were she to engage in it. On
the other hand, adults who regard this kind of activity as fun are probably
most kindly regarded as living the fantasy life of a tenyearold. In other
words, in real life they should either get help or get arrested.

As I pointed out in the last issue of these reviews, somebody recently
published an article in a journal of the American Psychological Association
that gave evidence that childhood sexual abuse is not always permanently
traumatic and that some of the children actually view it as positive. This does
not by any means suggest that the APA is endorsing such activities; it just
means that kids can grow up to have normal lives even if they do have sex way
before most people think they should.

Ratings "My Great Uncle"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5

"Backstage Pass" by Ann Douglas (anndouglas)

This story will be of interest mostly to Ann Douglas aficionados. It tells the
story of a college freshman who travels a great distance by bus to visit
Cynthia Thomas, a livinglegend movie star about whom he has done a great deal
of research in his Movie Appreciation Class. Not only does he get a front row
ticket and a backstage pass, he also gets to buttfuck his idol and is invited
to move in with her.

Ann has written better stories. She is one of my favorite authors. This one
lacks the character development and motivations that became Ann's trademark in
her later stories. In addition, the sexual descriptions in this story are not
all that vivid. But as I said, if you're a real Ann Douglas fan, you might want
to read this story.

Ratings "Backstage Pass"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

"Yellow Fever" by Richard Rivers (richardrivers).

Richard and his friend Chen are going on the adventure of a lifetime. They have
heard a legend of a beautiful Chinese woman, who must be getting along in years
by now, who gives the greatest handjobs in the world. Just handjobs. Everything
else is off limits. But oh, what handjobs!

The two young men have verified that the legend is true, and they are on their
way to experience this lady's pleasures. The extra twist is that the love of
Richard's young life was a ChineseAmerican girl from whom he was separated
under poignant circumstances. Ever since that time he has had an intense
fascination for oriental women.

The author does a wonderful job of keeping us from knowing exactly what it is
that the young men are going to be getting and how it will happen. This is not
a stroke story. Just an ordinary, sexy, excellent story.

Ratings "Yellow Fever"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Shear Luck" by Motionman (Motionman)

One of the greatest pleasures of writing these reviews is to be able to spread
the word when I find a new author who writes really well.

This is an excellent story that takes a common topic and enriches it with
superb use of imagery and language. Rita is a college student who has recently
broken up with a guy she was dating for the wrong reasons. Jason had become her
lab partner as a favor to a friend who was supervising the Geology 101 lab
sessions. They go out to Rita's cottage on the lake to study (really!), and
they become more intimately acquainted. The paradox is that the na�ve virgin
seduces the more experienced partner. This idea of the novice being in control
is a delightful twist.

I certainly hope to see more stories from this author. This was a good one.

Ratings "Shear Luck"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Minal in Winter" by Mary Anne Mohanraj (cleansheets).

There is a legitimate sense in which Mary Anne Mohanraj is the best author to
post stories with this newsgroup. Her stories are literary without being
pretentious. Her imagery turns her prose almost into poetry. When I give one of
her stories a rating below 10, I feel guilty or stupid, because I assume that I
must have missed something. I feel the same way when I don't understand a
Joseph Conrad story. Fortunately, that's not a problem with the present story.

In this story the author moves the plot along by blending into the narrative
letters that the narrator writes but doesn't mail. This narrator is a young
woman named Minal, who has come from India to Chicago to study to be a doctor.
Her closest relative in the United States is her aunt, who has lived what is
vaguely referred to as a scandalous youth. She meets a young lover named Diego,
and the seasonal imagery and poetry combine with a sensitivity to emotions to
turn this into a really good comingofage story.

Ratings "Minal in Winter"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

Guest Reviews:

"Locker Room Fictions" by Jimmy Hat (jimmyjimmyhat).
Reviewed by Homer Vargas deja/getdoc.xp?AN=532626886

Special Agent Gerald Maytag (I think there is a joke here, but I don't get it)
is investigating an allegation that girls' locker rooms don't smell as bad as
boys' locker rooms. Sure, enough, it's true; but unfortunately the girls
return before the intrepid investigator can skidoodle. Quick thinking saves
the day, however � almost.



S.A. Maytag is down with a knee injury, but the locker room girls are sooo
helpful, that if it were not for the indignity of it, Maytag could even enjoy
having three (or more, the dramatis personae and the anatomical geography get a
little confusing) ladies attend to his needs. Now if this seems just a little
too good to be true, well maybe you'd better go back and reread the story
title. But finish the story first. You won't regret it.

Athena 9 or 10 [I'm not sure whether to attribute a
"prior" instead of "before" to the narrator (clumsy
word choice = 9) or to the internal monologue of the
character (clever characterization through the
bureaucratic lingo = 10) Coin toss 10 it is.]

Venus 9 [There is hardly any plot or character to
speak of and none is intended.]

Homer 7 [Who cares? I do like a little more plot.]

Note: a word about numbers. To me 10 means just about
perfect and 9 is damned good. 7 is not bad. If I
don't like something, I'll give it under 5. So for
me, this scoring is a Read Recommendation.

"Street Smart" by Captain Steve and Linda (sailtwo). Guest review
by Dave Muers.

Ever wanted to dress up trashy, pick up strange men, and have them pay you for
sex? And then go back to your high paying ad exec job the next day? This is for

I won't belabor the details of the plot, for reasons explained below, but I
very much liked this story, and I hope the author(s) give us more to read over
time. In terms of little details that held the text together, there were many,
and quite realistic for the most part. I could do without exaggerated
slangification of "black" street speech in at least one case, but it didn't
ruin it. There were also one or two too many throwaway tagon sentences of the
variety, "I was getting the reaming of my life. And I loved it," but again
no biggie. I noticed one or two spelling/grammar gaffes, as well.

So what's my beef, if any?

Let me start off by saying that hooker stories tend to steer one of two ways.
Either they wind up violent and tortuous (which is fine if you're in the mood),
or they wind up like this one. I can't say more about the plot design, for fear
of ruining it for you. So even if this is the first "good girl" hooker story
that you're going to read, you should be able to read the rest of this review
without worrying that I'm blowing it for you.

The general problem is this, however: how do you put a new face on a wellworn
plot device? Say I want to write a strip poker story. Where do I even begin if
I'm going to make it stand up next to the hundred choices already available?
And how about a family camping trip story? Or what about a trip to the dentist?
Etc. It's really hard to put a new face on these plots.

If you're going to have good writing, you'll need to do a lot of reading first.
That's just the way it is. Now you've got an idea, and you want to put it in
motion in a slightly different way than you've seen before. In almost all
artistic endeavors, you'll face this kind of dilemma at some point. I think
there's a law.

So are you going to play it "over the top", going further, and harder to the
core than ever before? (The "good girl gone very very bad approach", to keep up
the analogy to the hooker stories.) Are you going to going out on your own and
find a brand new approach, treading completely new waters, pioneering something
for which there will be few examples to read from at all? Regrettably, most
first time authors go for neither of these options, but instead attempt the
much harder job of imitating styles they have seen before, and trying to carve
out a story which has all the right qualities and hits all the right notes. But
in that approach, it is just too easy for your story to find itself lost in a
sea of other stories like it.

"Study Habits" by Stranger4U (John Doe fuktup69) .Guest Review by
Mary Jorsay Gandmar (maryjgfinebody).

Carl and Pam are friends in college. He helps her out with work; she comes to
his dorm room to find him asleep in his shorts. A little fondling, lots of
sex. Not much of a plot, or atmosphere or tension, but as a narrative of a
quick slice of time, the story's really very good. It is well written without
obvious bloomers (except the "trustings" for "thrusting" which must really be
corrected ASAP) and it has an easy, fluid, conversational style to it.

Strangely, while there's nothing in it that should make it stay in memory, it
does, and I think that's because it mirrors a familiarity almost everyone has
known at some point in their lives the loneliness of dorm rooms, a sense of
ennui and of being made to feel like a complete drudge, desperate escapes into
little diversions feverishly pursued. Even if one doesn't really 'see' Carl and
Pam in the sense that the story doesn't get bogged down with long
descriptions of their bodies one knows them, they are us, what we used to be
once, long ago, what we had, lost, surrendered, moved away from. It's a kind of
looking back and the story achieves that much at least. There's no rancour (no
call for it), but, equally there isn't the intensity that underlines a more
profound friendship. It is utterly casual, but that's the way it used to be
and hence a sense of looking back, in a softer, less judgmental light. This is
what happened; this is the way we were. There is a retrospective eroticism to
the tale; never prurient, but a sharp, keen sexiness from the past, drawn from
a lasting memory.

ATHENA (Technical quality) : 9.5
VENUS (Plot & Character) : 9
MARY : (Appeal to Reviewer) : 10

Reposted Reviews:

"Pansy Pond" by Timothy Reisling Betticut.

"Only God made more women than Tim Mitty." But that was before Tim had been
assigned to infiltrate Pansy Pond. The department needed a secure undercover
cop to find out what vile sorts of perversion went on at this institution that
apparently used computer technology, powerful medications, and behavior
modification techniques to manipulate the sexuality of the "clients" who came
there. He was their man. Or to use verb tense more accurately he had been
their main. Now he has become their woman.

The premise is barely stated and then the reader is plunged immediately into
the workings of Pansy Pond, with Tim (whose female name is Teather) being
subjected to medication and shock treatment to turn him into a fitting partner
for Derk, who is his police department connection to the outside world. It's
not initially clear why Tim is being trained as a female, since the cover story
is that he and Derk are a homosexual couple. Nor is it clear how Tim is
supposed to cope with the managers of Pansy Pond, who seem to know all of his
thoughts and therefore should easily be able to discover that he is a spy.
Apparently Tim dislikes the process, but listening devices connected to his
body make it necessary for him to appear to like it. Some of this is actually
pretty complex, nonsexy stuff; and a reader has to be pretty determined to
stick with it. Nevertheless, the story holds a certain fascination.

There's a second story that runs concurrently with the first. Pansy Pond also
does marriage counseling . Lance and Randi are bound not only be wedding vows,
but also by an iron clad agreement that demands they take every effort to save
their marriage should it fall on hard times; and Lance has had many very hard
times, during which his hardness has penetrated at least five ladies that Randi
(a world class model) knows about. Lance needs to make a final effort to learn
to be a good boy, or it's byebye to all Randi's money. The Pansy Pond plan is
to temporarily reverse his male and female hormonal balance while challenging
him in a heavily dependent girlish role.

I found two problems with this story. First, the sentence structure was often
more complex than I could enjoy. This was compounded by occasional grammatical
glitches missing quotation marks, dangling modifiers, and problems with verb
tense. If the author is hitting me with unusual, complex ideas, then I need
simple, straightforward sentences that convey these ideas to me. The
combination of complex ideas and complex sentences occasionally pushed me to
the point of losing interest. Second, as I suggested before, the story line
itself is very complex. Every once in a while I would say to myself, "Oh! So
that's why they did that!" This "aha!" experience can be very enjoyable; but
sometimes I found myself wishing I had know the information a lot earlier.

Part of my second problem is that I personally do not automatically buy into
the notion that people are likely to become delightfully happy and effective
sex partners through the processes of and humiliation. A person who
already buys into this rationale might enjoy this story more than I did
largely because that reader would not have to simultaneously deal with (1)
complex sentence structures, (2) a complex plot structure, and (3) a rationale
that did not make intuitive sense. I CAN be induced to enjoy stories in which
humiliation and enforced feminization play important roles; but only if the
story does something to enable those activities to make sense in a particular
context. The stories of Estragon and Vickie Tern offer good examples of
presenting similar activities in a context that is likely to appeal to both
insiders and outsiders.

In spite of what I have said in the preceding paragraphs, I think this is a
pretty good story. I personally did not find the sexual scenes to be extremely
sensuous there was too much attention to fetishes and bdsm techniques that I
simply don't understand or care about; but the story was creative. I was left
with the overall impression that "this whole thing is so crazy, it just might

Ratings for "Pansy Pond"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

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